Archive for category Humor

Clinton Fractures Elbow, Disappoints Bill (Again)

1:39 am, June 18th, 2009 on Democraps, Humor

Bill Clinton, a former President of the United States, was frankly outraged and quite disappointed that Hillary Clinton, the current Secretary of State, only fractured her elbow during a fall Wednesday, according to sources familiar with the matter.

Clinton Not Too Happy

Clinton: Not Too Happy

“I was hoping to move back into the White House for another 12 years. That bitch couldn’t even beat that [explicit] in the primaries. Then, she couldn’t convince the boys to appoint her Veep. I would have liked the Naval Observatory – can you imagine a constant supply of hot naval chicks?

“And, now, this. If she had been more seriously injured and admitted to the hospital for a few days, I could have enjoyed some guiltless debauchery without her constant prying. Ever since Monica, I haven’t been to have fun when she’s around. The only consolation has been her regular travel.

“But, no, she had to go and only injure her elbow. I am very disappointed, again,” Clinton was overheard saying to his buddies over drinks at his favorite club in Washington.

According to the same sources, Clinton has given an ultimatum to his beloved wife: she’d better create a serious enough crisis to oust Obama in the 2011 primaries or, at the very least, replace that Biden fellow in 2012, or else face divorce.

In international news, an advertisement looking for “chubby, sexual interns” regularly placed in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, newspapers has been traced to an Honorary Grand Commander of the Order of Logohu and was paid for in US Dollars.

Clinton, who is a member of that elite grouping, has made several covert trips to the Pacific Ocean nation in recent months. A spokesman for the Clinton Foundation refused to comment on this developing story.

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Jodie Foster Ready to be Impressed Now

12:15 pm, June 17th, 2009 on Humor

Jodie Foster, the Academy Award winning actress, announced in a press release today that she was ready to be impressed again by John Hinckley, who tried to kill President Ronald Reagan nearly three decades ago apparently to wow her.

A court ruled Tuesday that Hinckley can spend more time outside his psychiatric hospital and even apply for a driver’s license. Hinckley has been committed to a Washington-area hospital since he shot and wounded Reagan and three others in March 1981. He was found not guilty by reason of insanity. Hinckley has said he shot Reagan to impress Foster.

Old and Impressionable

Old and Impressionable

“I wasn’t sufficiently affected by John in 1981,” said Foster, “It’s not entirely cool to try to kill a President, even if he’s a Republican. Alas, George W Bush is no longer in office. I hope John will find a better way to impress me this time around. He can borrow my sports car if he likes, but only after he gets his driver’s license.”

An inside source, who wishes to remain unnamed, at Foster’s studio mentioned to your correspondent that she feels deprived of having fans who want to impress her nowadays. With only a string of average or below-average movies over the past few years and approaching a not-so-sexy 50, Foster has been forced to yield to the younger and hotter Hiltons and Lohans. The source also mentioned that Foster was willing to help Hinckley in any way possible to assist him in his quest to impress.

In other news, U.S. District Judge Paul Friedman, the one who had relaxed Hinckley’s incarceration, apparently did so also to impress Foster. In an unreleased 44th page of his 43-page ruling obtained by the Sun Newspaper, Friedman kept doodling “Impress Jodie” over and over again.

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Ahmadinejad Declares Fourth Reich; New Persian Empire Forthcoming

3:04 pm, June 13th, 2009 on Humor, Middle East

Soon after the authorities declared Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the official winner of Iran’s presidential election on Saturday afternoon, the Iranian President announced the creation of the Fourth Reich and his desire to re-establish a new Persian Empire.

Ahmedinejad at the press conference

Ahmedinejad at the press conference © TopNewsIndia

“Mein Fuhrer Adolf Hitler is my personal hero. He killed 5 million Jews during his Third Reich. I can do better. Israel now has a population of 7 million Jews. I can make Hitler proud by killing them all and ridding this Earth of the Jewish scourge. I hereby declare the establishment of the Fourth Reich with its capital in Shiraz. I hereby declare myself the Fuhrer of Iran,” Ahmadinejad said during a press conference held in Shiraz Saturday evening.

Ahmadinejad alluded to the glories of the Persian Empire by mentioning that it once stretched from Libya in the West to China in the East. “I plan to spread my Reich from ocean to ocean. With the help of the great Iranian peoples, we shall once again rule the world and there shall be no Jewish or Sunni threat to challenge us,” said Ahmadinejad. He went to mention a list of states that had opposed Iran in the past and would face the brunt of his new military might, including the United States, the United Kingdom, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and the UAE.

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