Archive for category Humor
10 Russians Having Trouble Adjusting to Reality
2:26 pm, June 28th, 2010 on Humor
Russia: That Weapon is 50 Years Old
Washington (TGO) – Ten people, purportedly of Russian descent, were admitted to the psychiatric ward at the Georgetown University Medical Center earlier today and evaluated for symptoms of acute Delusionary Paranoid Schizophrenia.
The ten had earlier been arrested and accused of serving as secret agents of the Russian government in the United States. Eight were arrested Sunday and accused of carrying out deep cover assignments and two others were arrested for participating in Russian intelligence programs within the United States, Department of Justice officials said.
They were later, however, transferred to Georgetown’s high security psychiatric ward when they started claiming President Gorbachev had sent them and started displaying classic symptoms of Delusionary Paranoid Schizophrenia, including grandiose hallucinations about the Soviet Union.
“While I cannot reveal too much information for sake of patient privacy,” said Dr. Mindy Hoffman of Georgetown University, “the admitted patients believe the Soviet Union is about to strike Alaska and then bomb the rest of the United States.”
The self-proclaimed spies believe their job was ”to search and develop ties in policymaking circles” in the United States just in time for World War III.
In other news, President Dimitry Medvedev today declared the Union of Russian Soviet States with Vladimir Putin as the Master and Commander.
Toyota Introduces New Incentive: Get Your Car Recalled Before You Buy It
11:56 am, April 28th, 2010 on Humor
The Recalled Sales Event
Toyota Motors Corp. introduced a new promotion Wednesday that gives buyers an option to have their Toyota vehicle recalled before they buy it. The offer is designed to boost sales of Toyota cars amidst a spate of recalls and other safety related problems, most recently the Sequoia SUV.
Toyota said Wednesday that it was acting proactively to address any safety concerns buyers may have about its vehicles. “We are not sure what other problems may surface with our models and so we decided to issue a general recall for all our models. Toyota is committed to investigating customer complaints more aggressively and to responding quickly to issues we may identify in our vehicles in the future,” said Steve St. Angelo, Toyota chief quality officer for North America. Read on »
Save Our Souls From Local Newspapers
Peggy Lowe
Local newspapers, such as the regional business journals and the OC Register, deserve to die a quick painless death. Why? Their editorial page is absolutely rubbish, the stories that might have been halfway interesting are reduced to tabloid quality crap, and there writers’ need to re-learn how to right English.
Case in point is this article in the OC Register by Peggy Lowe about a jobless, homeless, former high-roller who is reduced to living on $5-a-day meals and airlines points for free hotel stays. The topic itself is quite touching, a true human interest story.
But, the resulting article is quite the mess. In fact, it is so bad that even Microsoft Word could have fixed several of the errors… Read on »
Dinosaur-Bird Link Found; Dinosaur-Byrd Connection Still Elusive
Byrd: The Dinosaur
A newly discovered fossil is proving to be the missing link between dinosaurs and birds. Scientists have finally been able to figure out why a group of dinosaurs resemble birds.
Named the Haplocheirus sollers, the dinosaur had short arms and a large claw that are believed to be evolved independently of birds. The 3m-long skeleton was discovered in the Gobi Desert in the Central Asian nation of Mongolia.
“While we are excited to have discovered this unique dinosaur-bird connection, we are yet to understand why certain dinosaurs resemble Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia,” Jonah Choiniere from George Washington University told the BBC.
Researchers, however, feel excited about the possibility of solving the last remaining puzzle of the evolution. Several dinosaur fossils have been discovered that are believed to have developed hoods much later than Senator Byrd.
“We’re hopeful that the Gobi will finally yield us a fossil that will explain this Dinosaur-Byrd anomaly,” said Choiniere.
Sly Saves Eurostar
Sly!
Sylvester Stallone, star of the 1996 Hollywood blockbuster Daylight, was called upon to reprise his role to save the 2,000 passengers aboard the Eurostar trains trapped in the Channel Tunnel.
“Sly has previously saved the lives of hundreds of trapped motorists when the Holland Tunnel collapsed in 1996,” said Commissioner Hal Turnchuck of the Chunnel Authority. “We had to call on him because the lives of our passengers were in mortal danger.”
Mr. Stallone, however, was disappointed his job this time wasn’t quite as heroic as in his ‘96 movie and nobody seemed to care he was even there. He escorted many of the passengers out of the tunnel, ensuring their safety and well-being, but he didn’t even receive as much as a thank you. “Kit Latura was there to save their lives in case the tunnel collapsed and they don’t even care. I even flew here on the red-eye. Ungrateful [expletive].”
Our correspondent asked several of the travelers about Mr. Stallone’s presence and the commonest reply was “Who?”
My Dearest Comrade Supreme Leader
3:48 pm, December 16th, 2009 on Foreign Policy, Humor
My Dearest Comrade Supreme Leader,
I have been such a fan of your work since I was a college student – it is such an honor to be able to write to your eminence today in my humble role as the President of the United States. Your unfailing ability to maintain a strong and successful Communist government inspires me every day to strive to create a socialist regime in our country. I wish to meet you in person to discuss my plans for a new socialist government in Washington.
When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me—about how I’d make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then I saw the movies inspired during your time at the Propaganda and Agitation Department, especially the Five Guerrilla Brothers and other operatic adaptations of the Eternal President’s works. I was truly inspired by the policy of juche instituted by your father, the Eternal President, and greatly developed and expanded by your eminence, and your policy of making bureaucrats work among workers at the next subordinate level.
I want our economy to follow your policies of self-reliance and inter-dependence. I am guided by your principle that man is the master of everything and decides everything. I have read your book ” The Juche Philosophy Is an Original Revolutionary Philosophy” many times.
I know it will be difficult to institute the ideal system in our country but I am hopeful. With your guidance and wishes, I hope to succeed very soon.
My evil capitalist colleagues are forcing me to discuss with you North Korea’s plans to establish nuclear independence. I feel that you are right in your insistence to firmly establish North Korea as the most powerful country in the world and I would do anything to assist you in your quest.
I humbly request you to agree to restarting six-party peace talks to give me an opportunity to make your acquaintance in person.
At your service,
Barack
Dilbert’s Take on GM’s Fritz Henderson Step Down
1:06 pm, December 7th, 2009 on Humor
Obama Takes Credit for Jobs Lost: Only 5.2% Actually Unemployed
2:48 pm, November 6th, 2009 on Humor, White House
Obama Wastes Away
U.S. President Barack Obama says that the latest unemployment figures show the stimulus is working and Congress is doing the right by focusing on health care reform.
“In the entire month of October, American employers shed merely 190,000 jobs. Looking at the bigger picture of 300 million Americans, that is but a drop in the bucket. Even with 15.7 million unemployed, only 5.2% of Americans are actually out of a job,” said President Obama during his speech in the Rose Garden.
“The stimulus package passed by my Congress earlier this year has saved and is continuing to save hundreds of thousands of jobs. Without those trillion dollars, we would have most likely lost 3 times as many as we did.”
“We were elected to build a future. Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid are doing the right thing by focusing on providing health care to the millions of Americans without coverage, an issue central to that future of our great country.”
The Labor Department reports that almost 15.7 million Americans were out of work in October. 190,000 jobs were shed last month, down from the 219,000 jobs lost in September. It was the 22nd consecutive month that the economy has lost jobs, the longest slump in the 70 years records have been kept.
Michael Bloomberg Declared Mayor-For-Life
Shameless
Despite a surprisingly narrow victory in yesterday’s election, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has been declared Mayor-For-Life by the New York City Council.
In a hurried vote held behind closed doors earlier this morning, the Council voted to repeal the term limits law and appointed Mr. Bloomberg as the permanent mayor. Mayoral elections were scrapped beginning 2013.
“Mayor Bloomberg has shown an uncanny ability to manage this great city and maintain its reputation as one of the safest and best places to live and work,” said Alan J. Gerson, a senior member of Council, in a statement released after the morning vote. Read on »
How Did The Nigerian Government Recover the Money From Bank Debtors?
This is how… now you know too…
Dear Sir,
Good day and compliments. This letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine the future and continued existence of the entire members of my family. Read on »
Dilbert’s Take on Corporate Reviews
The so-called “performance reviews” used by companies to justify specific layoffs are just as arbitrary as the description “fish-faced nincompoop.”
Russia Finds Missing Freighter, Atlantis
Atlantis: Found
Russia announced today that it has found its missing cargo vessel near the Cape Verde islands, off the west coast of Africa, and has retrieved all crew members.
In a stunning revelation, the Russian spokesman also announced that their search and rescue team was able to locate and identify the long lost continent of Atlantis. Read on »
Pro-Georgian Tweeter Writes To Medvedev; Forwarded to Putin
Dear Vlad,
What should I do in this matter?
Yours,
Dmitri
From: ‘Giorgi aka cyxymu’
Sent: Thursday, August 6, 2009 21:00
To: ‘Dmitri Anatolievich Medvedev’
Subject: DDos Attacks
To President of Russian federation
Dmitri Anatolievich Medvedev
Mr. President, Read on »
North Korean Nuclear Materials Being Peddled on Indian Streets (Already)
Indian scientists and police searching a North Korean ship detained near the Andaman and Nicobar islands have not found any nuclear materials aboard, according to a home ministry spokesman.
The vessel, MV Mu San, dropped anchor without permission on Wednesday, but attempted to flee when contacted by the Indian coastguard. The ship was later detained after a chase and escorted to Port Blair, the capital of the islands.
“We have been checking the ship for any radioactive material, but I must say we have found nothing like that so far,” senior Andaman police official Ashok Chand said. “But we will continue checking it until we are satisfied there is nothing wrong with the consignment.”
Meanwhile, your correspondent was able to get quotes on several North Korea-made nuclear weapon components and raw materials, and other weaponry, at a street market in Port Blair.
The market is awash with illicit armaments that have been brought ashore since Wednesday, according to a street peddler selling Chinese-made hand grenades.
“We buy weapons from police. Big cargo come Korea,” he said. “Very cheap – 10 grenades for 100 Rupees. China grenades. No like? Plutonium – only 1000 Rupees a kilo. Special price for you. Special price. Ok, only 900 Rupees a kilo just for you. Very good price. No beat.”
Saudi Dep. PM Incensed His Sexual Conquests Not Featured; Shuts Down TV Station
5:06 pm, August 10th, 2009 on Humor, Middle East
Pretending Piety
The station had broadcast an interview with a Saudi man boasting of his sexual conquests. The 32-year-old Saudi man’s interview shocked conservative Saudi society, prompting calls for him to be punished. Mazen Abdul Jawad talked about his sexual conquests and how he picks up women in the kingdom. Read on »
Hillary Purchases Angolan Diamond Mine
5:58 pm, August 9th, 2009 on Foreign Policy, Humor
Reaching Out
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has purchased an entire diamond mine in Luanda, Angola, while on her trip to the southern African nation.
The mine was previously controlled by the UNITA rebels, who had waged war against the Angolan government until 2002. The term “conflict diamonds” came to exemplify those supplied primarily by mines in Luanda.
While not know for her extravagant jewelery, Ms. Clinton has shown an inclination to move away from her predominantly bead jewelry. The Angolan mine will ensure a constant supply of legal and high quality diamonds for her own use and for diplomatic purposes, according to a source.
Angola is Clinton’s third stop on her African tour. She is rapidly establishing a business empire to finance her next run for presidency, when she takes on President Obama in 2012.
Clinton Met Mistress in Pyongyang
Using His Charms
Former U.S. President Bill Clinton met his long-lost mistress and former Miss North Korea, Byang Soon Jing Kin, in Pyongyang during his recent trip.
While officially on mission to affect the release of two arrested American journalists, Clinton took time from his schedule to spend several hours alone in the company of Ms. Jing Kin.
Clinton also purchased several boxes of Cuban cigars from duty-free shops at the Seoul International Airport during his brief stop-over on his way to Pyongyang.
According to a source familiar with the matter, Clinton had been planning a trip to Pyongyang for several months now, but was unable to obtain necessary clearance. “The two journalists gave him an excuse to fly to North Korea.”
In related news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is also planning to visit North Korea. The purpose of the trip is yet undisclosed.
Asian Solar Eclipse Prompts White House Action
6:57 pm, July 21st, 2009 on Economy, Humor, White House
Praying For Voodoo
An impending solar eclipse, that is expected to darken much of East and South Asia for upto 6 minutes at its peak, is prompting action from the White House.
US President Obama is eager to take advantage of the many religious rituals and practices designed to ward off evil and bring good luck during the solar eclipse, which is believed to be unauspicious according to local superstitions. Read on »
Obama Declares War Against the Uninsured
12:39 pm, July 21st, 2009 on Health, Humor, White House
Delirious
The Obama administration today announced a sustained, national campaign against the uninsured, one that will go far beyond retaliation against the perpetrators of insurance terrorism in the United States.
U.S. President Barack Obama said the campaign would become the driving force of his presidency, and other top officials described a methodical unleashing of United States health insurers likely to unfold not in a single, retaliatory spasm but in repeated strikes aimed at destroying bases of the uninsured terrorists and the communities that harbor them. Read on »
Hillary Visits India; Distressed by Use of Male Honorific
Confusing 'Em Indians
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is visiting New Delhi on her official visit to India, to energize Indo-American relations at a time economic and geopolitical challenges lie ahead of the two allies.
But, Ms. Clinton is perturbed by the constant use of the male honorific by Indian officials, of both gender. Her protocol officer has pointed out the mistake to his Indian counter-part, but Clinton’s hosts continue to address her as Mr. Clinton, Mr. Secretary, Sir, and so on.
“She is not too happy being addressed as Mr. Clinton. She is proud of her femininity and cannot understand why even Prime Minister Singh calls her Mr. Secretary,” said a spokesman of the State Department. “But she is more than happy to forgive and forget, in the spirit of our President Barack Obama.” Read on »
Somali Fighters Share Hostages, Love
Looking for Some Lovin'?
Two French security advisers, who were kidnapped by Hizbul-Islam from their Mogadishu hotel earlier this week, are now being held by two different extremist groups in Somalia, according to sources familiar with the matter.
After disagreements between the kidnappers and the al-Shabab group, Hizbul-Islam handed one of the men over to placate the demands of the other, stronger organization.
In addition to sharing the hostages, the Islamist groups are also being accused of sharing the love. The nabbed Frenchmen were believed to possess several romance novels, pornographic magazines and videos, all of which were stolen at the time of the kidnapping. It is believed that these items are now being widely distributed among different groups across rebel-held southern Somalia. Read on »
Letterman’s Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky
1:33 pm, July 15th, 2009 on Humor, Liberalism, Politics
Last night:
10. Addressed senators with “Whaddaya say, Meat?”
9. Spent the entire hearing updating her Twitter page
8. Interrupted questioning to get fitted for her robe
7. Turned surprisingly hostile when told “No open containers”
6. Left early to tackle the case of Sotomayor vs. Applebee’s Riblets
5. Started hitting on Clarence Thomas
4. Kept referring to Al Franken as “Church Lady”
3. Phoned in from All Star Game in St. Louis to see how the confirmation hearings were going
2. Only answers she gave were “Maybe” and “How the hell should I know?”
1. Took the day off to go salmon fishing with Sarah Palin
Via, Freedom Eden.
Concealment of Unidentified CIA Program Ordered from Undisclosed Location
5:52 pm, July 12th, 2009 on Foreign Policy, Humor
Hidden Away
The Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about an unidentified program from Congress for eight years on direct orders from former Vice President Dick Cheney. The concealment orders were issued from an undisclosed location and later confirmed, again, from an undisclosed location.
The report that Mr. Cheney issued the orders from an undisclosed location has deepened the mystery surrounding it, suggesting that the Bush administration placed a high priority on its secrecy. Read on »
Human Rights Over Animal Rights
Animal rights activists, as with the more broader environmentalists, tend to go overboard with their arguments, as this guy does, and their incoherence is only topped by their single-minded obsession.
I found this post rather amusing, and I feel like mocking his arguments, just for fun. Nothing personal. And, please accept my apologies if my idiocy offends you. It’s just like letting off some steam.
So here goes: Read on »
Dartmouth Introduces Policy Changes; President to Called General Secretary of the Workers’ Party
An Artist's Rendering of Dartmouth's New Pennant
Newly appointed Dartmouth President Jim Yong Kim announced today that the College is introducing several institutional changes, in both policy and administration.
These changes will better reflect the College’s goal to become the next Harvard University and a haven for communists and socialists in New Hampshire, he said.
The position of the President is being renamed the General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Dartmouth. The current Board of Trustees is to form the new Central Committee, with Chairman Ed Haldemann ‘70 to continue in his role. Read on »
Al Qaeda Now Bombing Iraq to Protest Against American Withdrawal
5:27 pm, June 24th, 2009 on Humor, Middle East
Al-Masri: Confused
Al Qaeda is starting a new campaign to bomb Iraqi cities and kill civilians to protest American withdrawal next week.
Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, described the impending withdrawal as detrimental to Al Qaeda’s long term goals of terrorizing the population of the Middle East and destroying Israel.
“America invaded Iraq without asking us, but they have to receive our explicit permission before they can leave. Who do they think they are? They can’t just leave now,” said Al Masri.
The audio recording of Al-Masri’s statements was embedded in a relatively brief 10 minute video produced by As Sahab Media, Al-Qaeda’s propaganda arm, according to the SITE Intelligence Group. It was posted on jihadist web forums only a short while back.
In Albany, Democrats Like Backdoor Business
Does She Like Backdoor Entry? Courtesy, NYT.
During the confusion and bickering that ensued as a result of the Democrats’ and Republicans’ decisions to hold separate Senate sessions in Albany, Democrats entered the Senate chamber through the backdoor and liked it.
Democrats locked the doors to the Senate thereafter, denying Republicans even the opportunity to enjoy a more natural entrance.
They then proceeded to introduce and vote on bills, including such momentous bills as legalizing same-sex marriage, promoting sodomy in state institutions of higher education, and paying for more sex-change operations in prisons.
“As we legislate on issues relating to gay marriage, promiscuity among our youth and sexual fulfillment in prisons, it is only appropriate we enter the chamber via the backdoor,” commented Kevin S. Parker, a Democrat from the Bronx.
WA State Wants to Imitate Blackstone with Negative Revenue
5:10 pm, June 23rd, 2009 on Humor, Politics, Washington State
Gregoire, Master of Budgetary Arts
With constantly declining revenues projections and increasing budget outlays, the Washington state Treasury is now preparing to function with negative revenues till 2011. Latest projections have estimated a further drop of $482 million and economists predict the state to actually have negative revenue beginning 2010.
Washington State Governor Chris Gregoire announced earlier today that she was “tired” of dealing with constantly dwindling income for the state.
“It is considered an ideal for government to imitate the private sector. If Blackstone, the pinnacle of private enterprise, can have negative revenue, why can’t we? I am absolutely tired of dealing with this bullshit of revenue generation.
“Being liberal Democrats, we can’t stop spending, nor can we stop increasing our budget. That would be completely unacceptable. Fuck the rest.
Dartmouth’s New Korean President being Courted by South and North Korea
Dr. Kim Laughing at Dartmouth
Dr. Jim Yong Kim, Korean-born Harvard Medical School official and newly appointed President of Dartmouth College in Hanover, NH, is being aggressively courted by officials from both South and North Korea before he makes his final decisions about the future of the College.
During his acceptance speech in March, Kim outlined his plans to build “on the many achievements of Jim Wright and his predecessors that have made Dartmouth the vibrant, world-class institution it is today” and to “help build on Dartmouth’s great traditions as well as its singular role in higher education.”
According to Kim, the first steps include “taking sides” in the great battle between the mighty forces of communism and capitalism on the Korean peninsula and renaming Dartmouth College to represent its new alignment.
Mayor of Madagascar’s Second City Wants to be President Now
Madagascar: The Nation, not The Movie
The Mayor of Toamasina, Madagascar’s second largest city and chief port, wants to become the next President of that Indian Ocean island nation.
Attending the extraordinary summit of the Southern African Development Community (SADC) in Johannesburg, Mayor Michael Ratsiraka announced that his city of Toamasina has long “suffered” at the hands of Antananarivo, the capital. “Toamasina is the lifeline of this country. If the mayor of Antananarivo can become President, then the mayor of Toamasina deserves to become President as well. I will make it happen and the military will back me this time.”
Meanwhile, member states of the SADC have called for peaceful political dialogue in Madagascar, naming a former president of Mozambique to lead negotiations. Attendees refused to comment on Mr. Ratsiraka’s announcement.
A spokesman for the Madagascar military establishment in Antananarivo said it was reasonable for Mayor Ratsiraka to expect a promotion. In case of another attempted coup, the army would “evaluate the available options and support the candidate most supportive of the goals and aspirations of the generals.”
Ethiopia Wants to Invade Somebody Else Now
Ethiopian Spokesman
Ethiopia has refused a request from Somalia to intervene in its escalating crisis, claiming it isn’t really into second helpings.
Somalian Transitional Government troops have been battling Islamist insurgents who control much of the country. The Speaker of Somalia’s parliament has urged neighboring countries to send troops within 24 hours. Ethiopian troops helped topple an Islamist movement in Somalia in 2006, but were withdrawn earlier this year.
This time, however, Ethiopia wasn’t interested, according to government spokesman Bereket Simon. “We’ve already invaded Somalia once and it didn’t yield us anything of value, apart from testing our latest military acquisitions. Read on »
Obama: I am Watching (and Learning from) Iran
4:51 pm, June 19th, 2009 on Humor, Middle East, White House
The news according to media reports, and the translation into what Obama really means:
US President Barack Obama has warned Iran that “the world is watching.”
Obama: “I am watching and learning how to violently suppress dissent when I institute radical changes in the USA.”
[He] said that the way the authorities dealt with people who were “trying to be heard” would send a message to the international community.
Obama: “Your system needs improvement. I can do better. Yes, I can!”
Alert: Fred Thompson To Run for President on Law & Order
TO: Fred PAC Supporters
FROM: Will Andrews
This Sunday, Senator Fred Thompson will appear on NBC’s Meet the Press to make an important announcement that is being sent out to our most ardent supporters in advance.
With all the challenges facing America and the mounting number of errors and bad judgments being made by the Obama regime, it is essential to have Senator Thompson get the facts and a dose of reality out to the American people, by running for President on NBC’s Law & Order.
Senator Thompson has served as DA Arthur Branch for 5 years from 2002 to 2007 on the show, before stepping down to run for the President of the United States in 2008. During his ground-breaking campaign, the Senator highlighted issues important to conservatives and worked closely with Senators McCain and Obama to ensure that your voice was heard at all times.
Election Protests Turn into Muharram Matam Amidst Confusion
1:27 pm, June 18th, 2009 on Humor, Middle East
The Infamous Zanjeer
More than 100,000 people attended a “day of mourning” rally in Tehran to remember eight people killed while opposing Iran’s election result. The rally was called by Mir Hossein Mousavi, a former presidential challenger and erstwhile Deputy Fuhrer.
Attendees were soon confused and perturbed by the presence of over 10,000 individuals self-flagellating and engaging in zanjeer matam, in commemoration of the death of Imam Hussayn at the Battle of Karbala. Hundreds of azadars vehemently beat their breasts and heads with chains, swords and knives, bleeding profusely. Men, women, children and infants were observed participating in this ritual generally reserved for the Islamic month of Muharram. Read on »
GOP to re-launch as the Scandalous Old Party
In a YouTube video released Thursday, Michael Steele, Chairman of the RNC, announced that the GOP was to be completely revamped and re-launched on July 1, 2009, as the Scandalous Old Party (SOP).
Steele: Looking to the Future
“After several days of gut-wrenching and heart-wrenching discussions over the future of the Republican Party, the National Committee has decided to rename the party to better reflect the true nature and predispositions of its elected officials,” revealed Steele.
“A new pre-requisite for contesting SOP primaries would be a scandalous background, such as extra-marital affairs, bribe-taking, sexual perversion, and so on, or, at the very least, a desire to engage in such activities once elected.”
After the statements, Steele was joined on-screen by the Political Math/Ten Thousand Pennies guy who appeared beside him singing “So, so, so scandalous … That’s why you know you should be scared of us,” apparently taking cue from the background music provided by Mis-Teeq’s hip-hop hit Scandalous. Read on »
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Etc. Etc. Etc.
WSJ- T-Mobile in Talks for New Phone 2: 23 am, September 4, 2010T-Mobile USA is in talks to distribute Huawei Technologies's new Google-powered smartphone this holiday season. The Ideos phone could be priced under $100 in the U.S. […]
- Obama to Link Tax Cuts, Hiring 2: 03 am, September 4, 2010The Obama administration is moving toward using the revenue from expiring tax cuts for the wealthy to finance about $35 billion of tax cuts for small businesses and workers. […]
- From North Korea, Word of Shortages 1: 58 am, September 4, 2010North Korea is grappling with food shortages, interviews with defectors and Chinese traders suggest. The privations come on the eve of a meeting that could signal its biggest political transformation in decades. […]
- Texas Probing Google's Searches 1: 51 am, September 4, 2010Google said the Texas attorney general's office is conducting an antitrust review of the Web giant's core search-engine business, another sign of growing government scrutiny of the company. […]
- As Gold Climbs, So Do the Deals 1: 48 am, September 4, 2010Gold prices are edging up toward a high, at $1,249.20 an ounce, triggering multibillion-dollar deals by miners doubling down on the staying power of bullion's nearly decadelong rally. […]
- UPS Cargo Plane Crashes Near Dubai 1: 42 am, September 4, 2010A UPS cargo plane crashed Friday evening after takeoff near Dubai, killing two pilots in the package delivery giant's first fatal aircraft accident. […]
- TPG Sells Stake in Ping An 1: 38 am, September 4, 2010TPG sold its remaining stake in Ping An Insurance for $1.16 billion in the latest example of how the U.S. company is reaping profits from its investments in Asia. […]
- Cuomo Probes Cards' School Ties 1: 11 am, September 4, 2010New York State Attorney General Andrew Cuomo announced a statewide investigation of credit-card companies marketing to college students through schools. […]
- Griffith Investors Take Action 1: 08 am, September 4, 2010UBS and other investors go to court to try to force U.K. fund manager Reade Griffith to speed up the return of their money. […]
- Pechter Bids for Value Line Funds 12: 58 am, September 4, 2010Richard Pechter, a director of Finra and NYSE's regulatory arm, said this week that he made an offer for Value Line's troubled mutual-fund business. […]
- T-Mobile in Talks for New Phone 2: 23 am, September 4, 2010
- BBC
- Earthquake hits south New Zealand 6: 41 pm, September 3, 2010A 7.0-magnitude earthquake has struck New Zealand's South Island, the US Geological Survey says. […]
- New phone hacking inquiries call 6: 40 pm, September 3, 2010Senior Labour politicians urge fresh inquiries into phone hacking claims surrounding the News of the World newspaper. […]
- Pakistan rally bomb kills dozens 6: 33 pm, September 3, 2010A bomb kills at least 50 people at a Shia Muslim rally in the south-western city of Quetta, the second attack on Pakistan's religious minority in days. […]
- Mozambique police fire at rioters 6: 23 pm, September 3, 2010Police in Mozambique's capital fire rubber bullets on the third day of riots, as the violence spreads to the central city of Chimoio. […]
- City centre plan for 20mph zone 6: 14 pm, September 3, 2010Edinburgh's transport leader admits speeding but said he still believes a 20mph zone would be a good idea. […]
- Cargo plane crash near Dubai road 6: 12 pm, September 3, 2010A UPS cargo plane crashes after take-off near a motorway in Dubai, killing two crew members aboard, officials say. […]
- Murder inquiry launched in Armagh 6: 07 pm, September 3, 2010Detectives in Armagh have begun a murder inquiry after a man's body was found in the Castle Street area on Friday. […]
- Plane body women face no charges 5: 38 pm, September 3, 2010Two women who were arrested after trying to take a dead relative on to a plane at Liverpool John Lennon Airport will not face charges. […]
- Fans jailed for Uefa screen riot 5: 27 pm, September 3, 2010Eleven football hooligans who took part in the worst destruction Manchester has suffered "since the Blitz" will be going to jail, a judge has said. […]
- Explosion at Hare Krishna temple 5: 20 pm, September 3, 2010An explosion partly destroys a Hare Krishna temple in Leicester, but none of the worshippers are seriously hurt. […]
- HSBC threatens to quit London HQ 5: 19 pm, September 3, 2010HSBC may quit its London headquarters if the UK government decides to break up big banks, a senior executive says. […]
- Six men jailed for Portugal abuse 5: 04 pm, September 3, 2010Six Portuguese men are sentenced to between five and 18 years in jail after being found guilty of multiple charges of sexual abuse at a state-run children's home. […]
- Anthrax outbreak hits Bangladesh 5: 02 pm, September 3, 2010Officials in northern Bangladesh battle to contain an anthrax outbreak that has infected more than 250 people. […]
- Armenia 0-1 Republic of Ireland 5: 00 pm, September 3, 2010Keith Fahey's 76th-minute goal earns the Republic of Ireland victory in a tense opening Euro 2012 qualifier against Armenia in Yerevan. […]
- Farah out of Commonwealth Games 4: 55 pm, September 3, 2010Double European champion Mo Farah announces his withdrawal from the Commonwealth Games because of fatigue. […]
- Earthquake hits south New Zealand 6: 41 pm, September 3, 2010
When Can Bernie Madoff Invest My Money Again?
