Russia: That Weapon is 50 Years Old

Washington (TGO) – Ten people, purportedly of Russian descent, were admitted to the psychiatric ward at the Georgetown University Medical Center earlier today and evaluated for symptoms of acute Delusionary Paranoid Schizophrenia.

The ten had earlier been arrested and accused of serving as secret agents of the Russian government in the United States. Eight were arrested Sunday and accused of carrying out deep cover assignments and two others were arrested for participating in Russian intelligence programs within the United States, Department of Justice officials said.

They were later, however, transferred to Georgetown’s high security psychiatric ward when they started claiming President Gorbachev had sent them and started displaying classic symptoms of Delusionary Paranoid Schizophrenia, including grandiose hallucinations about the Soviet Union.

“While I cannot reveal too much information for sake of patient privacy,” said Dr. Mindy Hoffman of Georgetown University, “the admitted patients believe the Soviet Union is about to strike Alaska and then bomb the rest of the United States.”

The self-proclaimed spies believe their job was ”to search and develop ties in policymaking circles” in the United States just in time for World War III.

In other news, President Dimitry Medvedev today declared the Union of Russian Soviet States with Vladimir Putin as the Master and Commander.